i am probably reading too much into everything. but i cannot help it.

I wish I had something to say.

-moving to williamsburg/brooklyn, nyc.
-hate pottery
-A in painting
-still dating matt
-still miss my bestfriend
-still haven't really been in the studio-for silkscreen or painting. feels terrible.

this self sabotage crap is flaring up again. maybe it's because i'm moving, but i have been going around creating disasters in different areas of my life. in both the big things(relationships) and the small things(doing dishes) I am not what I need to be. In three weeks it will be something new. Or what if this move happens and nothing changes. I don't remember exactly why I'm moving. It's art related. I know the answer can be found in a conversation I had that apparently changed my life. Happened in the print room. I'll never forget how it felt.

SOON I'll be memorizing new street names, getting lost, becoming a regular, catalouging all those markers that make you actually live somewhere. I'll do that for three months. Some time during those three months I will decide if I should like to stay in the city. IF so then I will find a more permanent living situation and continue practicing urban transit and post-florida life. IF the city is not for me, I will find somewhere else to explore.
It's really that simple right now.

So we broke up for like three hours. it was my fault completely. our relationship hasn't been breakupmakeup, so the break up was a big deal. we decided to stay together and see what happens in nyc. i believe living in the same city as my boyfriend will be excellent for our relationship. i'll always remember how this feels.

how this is my life never ceases to surprise me.

this song knows all the other songs.

So..two classes left. And I don't feel anything. I feel more about a cd I was making for someone.

it's hard, in the parking lot, in the goodbye hug, in the seventh floor keyhole. in finished sentences.

Cause The Stones in '65 want total satisfaction, kid
But The Stones in '69 see grace in just getting what you need
But if that's a victory then I'd hate to see what I'd look like defeated

What a great mess, this mess.

Today will not end until all these packages are in mailboxes far away from me. Then another day will happen, and that one will probably be even longer.

i wonder if ryan read the book i gave him.

i feel so cool and collected.

The two most important men in my life have the same name and live miles and miles away from me, and send me emails that change things. I could of gone out tonight, but didn't because it was more enjoyable thinking of you, thinking of me. i'm sad something here. i guess i was always looking for him to say, eventually, something personally affectionate, like i like you. i care about you. i know you. but he already had said those things, over and over and i'm just an idiot. actions do speak louder than words-i get it! iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiwish ii i wish there was a time out zone where you could say anything ever you wanted to and i would lean over and whisper to you, i love you and i am in love with you"

'be careful in editing prematurely, both on pieces and on interpersonal matters. when you edit a work, you don't get to see what it could be, and miss points in the process. you assume that you know what is right without knowing the complete story and facts'
-someone gave this advice about a year ago. it's taken me this long to cut that bad habit out and fine tune my sense of when it's necessary. that conversation has been on my mind. grr ok back to studying.

Err I should be studying right now. I was doing good then my mind started drifting/drowsing so I lurked on the internet awhile(art/fashion blog addictive). I should of brought a snack. I have one final tomorrow, one final Friday. After that it's one week to myself and fhe, the next week is Christmas, dc weeks, back to school. Being still sounds wonderful right now, alone or with Matt. I got a good response on my paper this morning, it made me so relieved.

I kiss a door.

Aw My chest is fluttery and I'm back up. It's a steep incline to Wednesday-but it'll happen! I love color and light and my gnarled hands and sporadic good talks and knowing who I am and the 12 a.m. dessert breaks and my favorite humans frequenting my dreams lately. Last night he visited me in the studio, I was wearing pajamas and he took out peanut butter chocolate to share with me. If dreams are any barometer, everything is fine. Even being scared and dumbfounded in pressure and not knowing about seamless paper..those hours are fine too.

the men, in order of importance:
1) cheating on you with the ghost of us-good looking better looking sure looking tomorrow.
2) the sound of your voice in my mouth and the taste of your words in my ear, a womb-tied-finally knowing being someone's first true love.
3) love me or love my dependance? fuck me or fuck my willingness to jump?

the everything:
this coming week is the incline of my life. i want a very specific future and i'm so scared.

the shading:
in the print room, i am frustrated by constant pestering. i wanted to leave every place better than i found it. but lately not at all. i'm alone in a crowd of guys who posted porn of women in absurd or demeaning situations. Porn doesn't have to be that way. why is it necessary to have get off images in the workplace?

why do all these guys ask me to defend my practice when i never ask or cared to be convinced of their figure religion. Maybe it's insecurity, territorial instinct, or (hopefully) genuine curiosity; these reasons could explain the porn? i'd rather be shit than be another mimic. That's pretty much happening right now because nothing I make is worth seeing. It's ok because I go through phases where I just can't resist playing with my food then I get serious again. i am excited to see my mom soon and make collages together.

that you fuck what you love
and you love what you fuck.

i hope reedy does what he says he's going to do-in regards to being here for me in grad applications. if i don't get in i'm going to apply for assistantships, fellowships, stuff like that. I watch alot of movies and work on woodcuts and wonder if i exist (still/ever) in thoughts from months ago. thanksgiving last year was south carolina and empty poolside. thanksgiving this year is d.c. and my serious someone. heart paper heart.